Although sometimes I ask myself the question, why music and why have I hung on? It seems simple enough to say "I love to play music" but that hasn,t always been the case. Most players (truth be told) would tell you they've had many more okay nights than great ones, if they have done music full time. I've come to discover in my life there is much more to this question of "why music" for me than appears on the surface. In my youth I wasn't what you would consider popular. I was cast into the group refered to as the "strange kids" we were, too fat, too skinny, too short, not pretty enough, not smart enough, not cool enough, In fact just not good enough. I was all of the above with the exception of too skinny. Thank God for pets because a girlfriend wasn't even on the radar. I spent most of my early teen years alone in an attempt to stay out of harm and harasments way. It still bothers me how cruel kids can be.
I began learning to play at 10 years old. What an escape it was from the reality I had to deal with on any given day. There weren’t enough hours to play. Some mornings it was 4:00 AM when I picked up the guitar until it was time to do the school thing. Returning home mid afternoon I would find myself playing until it was time to go to bed. Playing guitar was quickly becoming an obsession.
Music had become what would be my identity. As most 14 year old boys play sports and party and date girls, I hid out in my room with my guitar. As I went from 5'2" and 200lbs at 15 years old to 6'2" and 195lbs at 16 everything was changing fast. All of a sudden I was someone and caught up in the fact that I had become cool. The years of practice along with my new appearnce was getting me noticed and even respected among peers. I was driven beyond belief. I had an ego that was out of hand due to the insecurity's of my youth and feeling like a failure. The lack of faith in myself always at hand pushed me harder and harded to sucseed. After all this was the thing that made me someone. Setting out in my early 20's (wife and child in tow) I entered the deep dark forest of the music biz with no compass. I was determined to find my way to the top of the whole mess. Twenty eight nights a month on stage at times, battling addiction, poverty, crazy relationships and living with an impending feeling of emptiness. It was a heavy load to carry to keep my false identity in tact. I had lost all that really matteres in life. I can say I've had some great bands to my credit but have paid a price for it. I can shout from the rooftops, "I did it my way"? NO! "I learned the hard way".
I found myself on the bottom side of life with nowhere to look but up. I began to place my focus on my creator other than on what I could create. I have come to believe there is a spiritual thing that can happen when the desire to gain love, security and significance from standing in a spotlight falls away. I guess the stage thing never really goes away for me but kidding myself that I can draw life from it was a great revalation. With that said and knowing where to draw life from now makes this quest more about music than needing a crowd to tell me I'm okay. Don't get me wrong, It's great to play to folks that like what you do.
So many times I've heard people say they don't know what they want to do with their life. I consider myself blessed with what sometimes seems a curse but I have always known what it was I wanted to do in life. Up until Faith Nation I never realized that music is a gift or a tool of sorts to be able to say something that might speak to someones heart. I believe somwhere in the back of my mind I always knew that but needed to get run over a bunch of times to realize it. I know I am still many miles away from perfect but greatfull to be many miles from where I was. God Bless, Hewey
